I think I responded with, “Uhhhh, no. I mean I feel down about gaining/not losing weight, but otherwise I feel fine, but I'm not a doctor.” Side note: I qualify things like this a lot because I'm not the expert. So she gave me a little test. I had to laugh as I was answering it because I responded with a 1.5 when the choices were 0, 1, 2, or 3. After she tallied my responses, she told me that sometimes the body is depressed when the mind feels fine. Oh my God! That's exactly what it feels like!! Mentally, I feel like I can run seven miles but have to walk after about four minutes (about .45 miles). She went on to tell me that sometimes depression manifests itself in physical symptoms (oh hi screaming calf muscles and tiredness). The issue seems to be stemming from vitamin deficiencies. So, I've really amped up the vitamins!
Of course, because I pack every day off with a bunch of appointments, immediately after the 'I'm just getting a b-12 shot' visit, we left Maryland for the Espirit de She 5k in Cary, NC. That was a tough run for a 5k, but it was great and I felt accomplished when I finished it. The next day, we drove to Surfside Beach, SC for our family vacation. So I didn't really have time to process what the nurse practitioner and I talked about.
When I caught sight of myself one day, I mourned for last summer's body. The body that looked strong and leaner. I don't like this fluffy bod. One thing that I've had a hard time with since being at my lowest weight is that people are quick to comment on my looks and the lost weight. If they're quick to comment in the positive then they'll notice the negative (the gain). So those thoughts creep in to my head every once in awhile, though I quickly shove them away.
And so while everyone is loving infographics about bikini bodies, I'm here all like maybe for the rest of you. But then I had a thoughtful moment. I'm being super hypocritical if I'm supporting this every body is a bikini body thing, if I don't believe that I can wear a bikini. And, most importantly, what message would this send to my little Katie bird? So for that reason, I stuck with it and wore my bikinis. And I did something very uncomfortable, I asked my husband to take pictures. I know that the kids only see the fun moments with mommy in the pool, and that's what I wanted documented. So, here are some of my 'every body is a bikini body' pictures.
I expected this year to be about elevation; improving on last year's transformation. I don't know if that's in the cards for me. But, I have to believe I can overcome this challenge. So maybe that's what this year is about, believing. We'll see how the story unfolds.